Sadness and isolation of pandemic can make coping with grief harder

By ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ News

izzzy71/iStock, Getty Images
(izzzy71/iStock, Getty Images)

Lea en español

Nancy Kruh always figured that when her mother died, she would be by her side, holding her hand, a comforting, meaningful moment.

It didn't work out that way.

After a long illness unrelated to the coronavirus, Jan Kruh died in April. She was in Manhattan, Kansas, while her daughter quarantined in North Carolina and her husband of 72 years was only allowed to be with her during the final stages.

"The idea of her dying alone was really bracing and sad," said Nancy, a writer who lives in Nashville. "I was so grateful that two of her favorite people at her senior care unit were with her. Still, not being able to be there was just soul-sickening."

That heartache has confronted millions of people during the coronavirus pandemic as restrictions have separated dying people from family and friends, and prevented mourners from sharing their grief in person. The Kruh family is still unsure when and how to get together for a memorial ceremony.

"The isolation hits people very hard," said Rev. Victoria Long, a chaplain at the Suncoast Hospice in Pinellas Park, Florida. "There's a long way to go emotionally when you didn't get to take the journey with them along the way."

Long's hospice helps people cope with the end of life, as well as the bereavement that follows. Technology to connect people online is not the perfect substitute, she said, but it can be a tremendous help.

She recently arranged a video conference call so a woman in hospice care who had suffered a stroke and couldn't talk could see and hear her family.

"She would reach up and touch the different people on the screen," Long said.

Similarly, Long supervises memorial services and bereavement groups online. "Grief is a process, and if you haven't been there, it adds a layer to the pain," she said. "You have to know that it takes time, and you have to follow what brings you peace. I can't stress self-care enough."

Dr. Alan Koenigsberg, a clinical psychiatrist and professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School in Dallas, agreed.

"Even if you think you're prepared for grieving, we never really are," he said. "There's no quick fix. And when you add in the isolation we have now, a difficult time becomes much harder."

His advice for coping sounds simple, although he acknowledged it's easier said than done.

"Give yourself some structure," Koenigsberg said. "Get up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other, do the routine stuff that helps you get through the day. Try to get some exercise and a good night's sleep. And remember that grieving is a normal, healthy response."

Even in the best circumstances, sadness can lead to poor eating habits or alcohol and drug abuse, he said. Isolation increases those risks.

"Talk to people, ask for help if you need it," he said. "And please go get the medical care you need. So many people have held off getting care now (because of fears of catching the virus), they're showing up in emergency rooms in worse shape than they ordinarily would."

Long and Koenigsberg both stressed the importance of maintaining relationships – and the surprising value of virtual connections. Faith communities and support groups, for example, have adjusted to provide help virtually.

"People have created wonderful communities of support online," Long said. "It's different, but it's positive, and it shows me the importance of our ability to adapt."

That has been the case for Nancy as she copes with the loss of her mother and the physical distance from her father.

When she posted news of her mother's death on Facebook, she said, "My page exploded. I got hundreds of expressions of love and kindness, deep and sincere emotions despite the distance.

"It was like a virtual receiving line, and I've responded to every one. This is our human connection right now, and I'm grateful I had the technology to help me respond to my grief. It has made me feel loved, and at the moment, that's the most solace I could ask for."

If you have questions or comments about this story, please email [email protected].


ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ News Stories

ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ News covers heart disease, stroke and related health issues. Not all views expressed in ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ News stories reflect the official position of the ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥. Statements, conclusions, accuracy and reliability of studies published in ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ scientific journals or presented at ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ scientific meetings are solely those of the study authors and do not necessarily reflect the ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥â€™s official guidance, policies or positions.

Copyright is owned or held by the ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥., and all rights are reserved. Permission is granted, at no cost and without need for further request, for individuals, media outlets, and non-commercial education and awareness efforts to link to, quote, excerpt from or reprint these stories in any medium as long as no text is altered and proper attribution is made to ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥ News.

Other uses, including educational products or services sold for profit, must comply with the ľ¹ÏÖ±²¥â€™s Copyright Permission Guidelines. See full terms of use. These stories may not be used to promote or endorse a commercial product or service.

HEALTH CARE DISCLAIMER: This site and its services do not constitute the practice of medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always talk to your health care provider for diagnosis and treatment, including your specific medical needs. If you have or suspect that you have a medical problem or condition, please contact a qualified health care professional immediately. If you are in the United States and experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or call for emergency medical help immediately.